Tonight, I was afraid.
It was an orientation night for my teaching credential and master's work. Throughout the day, I was feeling exhausted, busy, and like this was the LAST thing that I wanted to do tonight.
Naturally, I began to make excuses. "Well, maybe I could just not go because they didn't say it was mandatory". You know how it goes.
As I started to get ready, I became overwhelmed with so many fears.
Fear #1: that they would not take me seriously. They would take one look at me, say I was way too young, after all, she is only 20. Then they would move on to the next person to focus their attention to. I would be the one they thought could never do this.
Fear #2: I know this sounds silly, but being little (4' 11" to be exact), sometimes you feel like you have to work a little harder than others in order to gain the same respect from others when you first meet them. You have to give a little extra attention to proving yourself. Well this was one of those times and fear was in full force and was coming at me faster then a freight train. I was too little and once again, a worry that these people would not respect me and believe in me.
Fear #3: I don't know where it is, therefore, I may get lost. If you don't know me, this may not seem like a big deal. I have this outrageous trend of getting lost and especially during the dark. Another fear. Another hurdle.
I ran around my room quickly trying to get ready and I was so frustrated that the event was going on and I could only think of all of the other things I could be doing. Homework. Reading. Sleeping.
I soon came to realize that these thoughts, doubts, and fears were nothing but Satan trying to keep me from going. Immediately, I was angry at the amount of power and misdirection he can cause, and that I allow in, but after a little while, I felt so confirmed that the love I have for kids is something God wants me to use.
This night was supposed to be a step towards the beginning of the next step that brings me to where I want to be. Kids. I want to love on them. I want to laugh with them. I want to tell them it is okay when they are scared. I want to dry there tears when they don't feel loved or just not feeling up to par. I want to tell them they are beautiful and see those little smiles when they hear it. I want to see them learn. I want to see those contorted faces as they try to figure something out or try something new. I want to talk to them and hear what they think about with each other. I want to hear what they imagine and I want to hear what they want to be. I have this deep desire for it.
Satan did not want it and he was ready and waiting to feed me the lies that are so easy to believe.
Tonight, there was an attempt to stop this, but I feel so confirmed that God wants me here. He wants me stepping towards these kids. He wants to feed love to these kids through me.
You know what else I realized. Maybe my doubts about my height and smallness are so silly because maybe God made me just that way on purpose. People often tell me that I will blend in with the kids when I am the teacher. Maybe that is exactly what he wants. Did he not himself become a part of the broken and the children and work to learn from them? I believe so.
So today I stand with doubts behind me and ecstatic to push forward.
I can not wait to blend in with the children.
Matthew 19:4 "For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children. .... become likelittle children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"
