I finally broke

Thanksgiving break...God showed me so much. I will admit that when I saw break coming, all I could think about was the break from everything. A chance for well, a break. Tuesday morning all plans were thrown out of wack. My mom needed to go up to my grandmas, she was getting worse. My dad came and picked me up and my weekend began.

Wednesday before we were going to leave, my mom contemplated going to see our grandma but decided against it. Knowing how selfless she was being by wanting to not interfere with the trip I asked if we could go.

When we arrived at her hospital room, seeing her there looking so weak it was hard to keep up my usual wall of "I am okay, I never cry". She looked tired and weak and like there was no hope. Immediately, my heart crumbled. As I watched my mom and her exchange whispers, smiles and tears, I couldn't help but look at my grandmas face. All I could think was each line in her face each mark what memory did each of those represent. Which lines were the ones from the smiles of her first love, or the sadness when her mom died, or the joy of seeing her daughters born. Wow how full had her life been. For some reason all I wanted to do was reach out and grab her hand but I was to afraid. I think my mom saw me hesitate and told me to go ahead. To think of all the fun times we had together and to watch her smiles and different emotions expressed on her face, it no longer mattered that she couldn't speak. Our time together ended and we went on to camp. When we were within ten miles, my mom got a call saying they found two tumors on her brain one of them five inches in length.

I was so confused. God what was going on. How could this all be happening so fast. The doctors predicted she has about a week. When all I was worrying about was my sports grades and how I was going to afford another year of school, she had one week of her life yet. Suddenly everything was put into perspective for me of what should matter to me. We quickly turned around and headed back to the hospital.

My cousins and I are not close and to see this instant response of the whole family going down to this hospital room once again just overwhelmed me. TO see that through her pain and suffering she had brought the rest of us together. She had reminded me of how important our families were. My mom was telling me she sees her as a Jesus figure. that through her suffering she fixed things.

The next day the doctors told her of her tumors. I was told her reaction was just disappointment. Another thing that she was having to suffer through. With each visit that I came to her, I just wanted to only be around her. to keep thinking that soon she was going to be with Jesus. She could count the days till she got to be with Jesus praising him once again perfect and flawless. What a scary yet amazing thing. I wanted to be close to that.

She is confused now. Cant speak as well so i try to find things I can connect with her to maybe a smile or a laugh or a picture. Yesterday I brought my crochet. She used to crochet a lot when she was younger. When I watched her try to show me a new stitch then get frustrated cause she couldn't remember , another part of me broke. Why was this faithful women having to go through such a hard time. To know that everything in life could change so fast.

I was glad we had something in common. I loved feeling her watch me as I worked on my blanket. I wondered what her thoughts were. How she felt. As I told someone else of my major and school she nodded her head and smiled. She could understand me and for some reason that meant everything that she listened.

I look up to my grandma. Every story my mom has told me about her how she made her mistakes but was a strong women. How beautiful she was in every picture she took. All I can do is be amazed by her.

This weekend God re showed me the importance of my family that no matter how much i feel i am okay i am on my own he put them there for me. I need them. He showed me what it means to be faithful and courageous. He showed me what it means to be a strong women of God. HE showed me what this time here on earth means and how the end of a life can be and exciting thing. God also showed me that its okay to break. All weekend I sucked up my tears and my emotions but today I couldn't anymore. God got me to cry....and wow it kind of feels good:)